Ideas from inside the work.

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Ontario, Canada Advice

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The OCL has lawyers across Ontario who can represent children and youth in child protection cases in court. They can also help with related matters, such as Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), complaints about services received from a CAS, and adoption and openness cases.

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The OCL lawyer’s role is to independently represent the views and interests of the youth. The lawyer provides information to the youth about the legal process, gives legal advice about the options that are available, and advocates for the youth in court and other processes, such as in ADR or hearings before the Child and Family Services Review Board.

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The OCL also provides lawyers for parents who are under 18 years old.

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Anyone involved in a child protection court case can ask the judge to appoint a Children’s Lawyer.

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You can contact the OCL by calling (416) 314-8000 or at: http://www.ontario.ca/ccnw.

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Custody is about decision-making. Access is about how much time children spend with each parent. Children’s access arrangements can vary greatly.  In some situations, children live primarily with one parent and visit regularly with the other.  In others, children divide their time equally or almost equally between the parents’ homes.

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If a court order for access is not being followed, you can bring a motion to ask the court to require the other party to comply.  If there are serious problems with access arrangements, the court can impose penalties and, if it is in the child’s best interests, make changes to the custody/access arrangements.

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Ontario, Canada - Advice

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If you want to change a custody or access order, you should go to court and ask the judge to change it. You will need to show that there has been a change in your circumstances since the order was made, and that it is in the best interests of the child to have the order changed.

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If your court order is no longer appropriate, you can have it changed with the other parent’s consent.  You can bring a motion to change on consent by filing a Form 15C: Consent Motion to Change with Form 14B: Motion Form.  If you cannot agree to the change, you can serve and file Form 15: Motion to Change.  Usually, the court will only change a custody or access order where there has been a significant change in the child’s circumstances.

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If your ex-spouse is trying to change the children's religion and denying you court ordered access on religious holidays, you should seek legal help immediately. Your ex-spouse may be in violation of the divorce agreement or court order, and you may be able to get the agreement enforced or have the order changed. It is important to act quickly, as failing to do so may allow your ex-spouse to further indoctrinate the children in their new religion.

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I recently had a situation where my ex-wife refused to send the children to me to celebrate a religious holiday. We have a court order that explicitly stated that the children are to be with me and my family, this holiday occurs twice a year and dates change year to year. Despite giving her ample notice of the date of the holiday and multiple reminders, she continued to state that the holiday falls on her access time, and regardless of what the court orders state, she will not send the children.

Her reasons were as follows:

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• Despite a court order that state in black and white the children are to be with me on this holiday, she stated that the religious holiday is an inconvenience for her as it lands on her long weekend access schedule. She recently changed her religion and has now taken the position that the old religion is bad and her new religion is better. While she expects the children to be sent to her on time and per schedule for Easter and Christmas, when it comes to my holidays, she is not concerned about compliance.
• Despite a court order that explicitly states the children are to be raised in a manner that allows them to practice their religion. She does not allow the children to practice their religion when at her house. She will throw their religious books away, delete any religious educational apps, make disparaging remarks about the religion, take them to her place of worship, send them to her religious camps, wear her religious paraphernalia, etc.
• She continues to state that when the children are at her house, despite being minors, they are old enough to decide what they want to do and which religion they want to practice. However, when they are at my house, they are not old enough and cannot decide what they want to do. In this case, she states they have decided they do not want to come nor practice the religion. However, when the children were at my house, they questioned why she will not allow them to come and why i can’t get them to come.
• The court order is infringing on their human rights and Canada’s charter for religious freedom
• I need to plan the religious holidays (which change every year), on my days and not hers. However, if any of her holidays fall on my days, i need to comply with the court order or she will call use her contacts at the local police station to get to me, use her mother’s and her own contacts at the local children’s aid to get to me or file with the courts.
• She states that because they missed at first 2 Easters with her, and then revised it to say they missed 3 Easters with her. She will prevent them celebrating this holiday with me. However, when i provided facts that showed, with evidence, they did in fact spend all Easters and Christmas’s with her since the divorce, she refused to accept that.

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Where are you now: I find that every few months she gets into this unbalanced state where she will pick fights and challenge the court orders. I cannot tell if its mental illness, psychological issues or if she is being influenced by others. But there appears to be no cause for her erratic and irrational behaviour. Her position is that despite having the court orders be police enforceable and despite having the right to file a contempt charge, I will never call the police or file any contempt charge as i do not want to drag the children through the process. She continues to bully me, threaten me via texts, emails and verbal discussions, and reaches out to family members spreading falsehoods to try and influence me or isolate me.

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Where you want to be: Sometimes, getting into a fact based discussion with an irrational or mentally unbalanced person may not be the most appropriate thing to do. The more false allegations she raises, the more defensive i tend to become and as i push back with facts, it forces her to come up with more outrageous allegations.

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As a lesson for me and  you, in a case where your ex is violating the court orders, it is best to document the violation and retain a lawyer to avoid having this violation become the norm. If you do not demonstrate there are consequences, the behaviour will never change. And if you do not challenge the violation, you run the risk of the courts saying you don’t care.

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While the violation of a court order can seem to be a single point problem, this can lead to larger issues of multiple violations. I don’t know that there is a simple way to “fix” the larger problem. Typically, the law can only do so much to curb bad behavior. There is a difference between bad behavior (her messages to my family members) and violating the court order (not giving the children for my religious holiday). As for her frequent violations of the court order, you can ask for a police enforcement clause and to spell out the exact times that you would get the children. Next step would be to file a contempt motion for her refusal to provide the children for the holiday.

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Contempt motions can be tricky because they require the Order to be absolutely crystal clear and the other party  to have “intentionally” and “knowingly” violated the Order.

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Keep in mind that a court order is only good if you are willing to enforce it. If she keeps violating the court order and you do nothing, then nothing will happen to her and it is highly unlikely that she will change her behavior.

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If you bring a contempt motion, then she will at least know there are consequences to her actions. It may not happen right away but you need to let her know that when she does this, there are consequences. Right now, she does not believe there will be any consequences.

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When a separation or divorce leads to hospitalization, it can be a very difficult time for all involved. For children, it can be especially traumatic to see their parents in such a state. It is important to try and keep them as informed as possible, and to ensure that they know that they are not responsible for the situation.

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For adults, hospitalization can be a frightening experience. It can be difficult to cope with the stress of a separation or divorce, and the added pressure of being in the hospital can be too much for some people. It is important to seek support during this time, whether from family, friends, or a therapist.

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In order to avoid hospitalization, it is important to seek help early if you are feeling overwhelmed by the separation or divorce. There are many resources available, and there is no shame in asking for help. If you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions, please reach out for support.

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We all know that separation and divorce can cause a great deal of tension and stress, I could not have imagined that in my case.

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1 – Within the first 30-60 days of being told my spouse wanted a divorce, I went from being ranked #1 out of 400K employees to being told I am not performing to expectations and I had 30 days to find a new job.

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2 – Within the next 30-60 days, I would have an incident where I started to go numb while driving and to avoid crashing, I would just barely manage to pull my car into a parking lot, end up crawling out of my car and dragging myself on the ground to a coffee shop, and ask for help before my mouth locked shut, fingers locked in an awkward manner, and i was unable to move. After spending 11+ hrs in a hospital undergoing numerous tests and being told it could have been a stroke, I was told all those symptoms were the result of a severe anxiety attack.

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3 – Two years later, out of a brutal four year divorce, I found myself in another non-english speaking country, undergoing angioplasty, as a result of hospitalization from severe chest pains.

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4 – Eight years later, four years after the divorce was finalized, I would have to take time off from work due to chest pains, dizziness, headaches, blurred vision and other symptoms, as a result of ongoing issues with my ex-spouse.

Who could have imagined that four simple words, “I WANT A DIVORCE”, can have severe psychological and physiological impact on you. Enough to cause you to spiral out of control and nearly lose your life. On one side, your Ex-Spouse’s goal is to derail you and cause as much damage as possible. On your side, you are fighting to stay alive for yourself and your children.

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I have come across many situations where, as a result of either spouse not being prepared, they have experienced severe illnesses, resulting in hospitalization. Your mind controls how your body behaves. The best way to minimize impact to your body is to ensure you mind is healthy. The way to accomplish this is to ensure, as i have stated in previous blogs, that you document everything with evidence and use journal therapy.

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If you have children, document, track, and report with evidence, when you had the children and what you did with them. Keep all interactions to electronic form and document any and all issues and concerns and attach evidence if available. This can be text messages, emails, letters, video captures, etc. Finally and most important of all, ensure you seek counselling and use journal therapy to investigate, dialog with and analyze your thoughts and feelings.

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My journey has been challenging. It has been nearly 8 years now since the separation and divorce process started, 4 years since the divorce was finalized and I am still struggling to co-parent with my ex-spouse. While there are many quiet periods and even periods where we are talking about the children’s education, health and other important matters, out of the blue I will be pulled into situations where for no reason, court orders are being flagrantly violated and there are continuous challenges to my parenting plan, parental alienation efforts being made, parental influence being made, and threats made in getting local police and children’s aid involved.

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I continue to document issues and use journal therapy as a form of therapy to protect myself. I will continue doing this even when the children are no longer children of the marriage and have moved on with their lives.

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